Shameful secrets and burning lies: are you hiding anything from your fiancé?
People are like bottomless vessels. We contain so much, yet when you try to dig to find the bottom, there is always more to be found. Fiancés are like vessels we believe we know well, good points, weak points and all. But do we really? We can’t possibly know everything about the person we are about to marry in the same way that we can’t possibly know a house we have never lived in. And that’s ok – we don’t need to know everything about them, but we don’t want to be left with any big surprises either. If you’re the one harbouring a secret or two that you’re not quite comfortable with or if you feel as if your fiancé has a past or a history he is not sharing with you, this article will help make the distinction between secrets that are ok and ones you should be wary of. So if you’re not one for surprises, and you want to be sure you’re marrying the person you think you are, read on.
The first thing that needs to be clarified is the definition of a secret. While secrets are often spontaneous and playful, the ones we are referring to are the ones that cause discomfort. If you’ve ever held onto a secret, too afraid to share it with anyone, and you literally felt it slowly wearing a hole around your heart, you’ll know the type we mean. These secrets are shameful and scary. They feel like an emotional burden that is weighing you down day by day. Although the natural reaction when we have a secret like this is to cover it under layers on normalcy, in truth, the best way to deal with them is to face them straight out. If your secret is weighing you down, try to come to terms with it on your own before you bring it out into the open with your fiancé. Keep in mind that secrets feel a lot more shameful when hidden. The second you start talking about your secret you’ll come to realize that it’s probably not as scary as you thought it was. Trust your fiancé enough to share it with them. If they are truly committed to you, they will take it in their stride and accept you for who you are and what you’ve been brave enough to share with them.
Another thing that’s essential to consider is that all good relationships are based on trust. If you do not completely trust your fiancé and vice versa, chances are you’ll need to work on building a stronger foundation. Like secrets, lies can be made in jest, but in a relationship lies are only ok if both parties are aware that it’s a lie and it’s playful. Lies are never a good idea when you’re in a relationship that is important to you. But if you do find yourself creating little or even big lies ask yourself if you are committed to making it work with this person. If the answer is yes, coming up clean will help strengthen the relationship and build trust, whereas lying to your partner can cause short term and long term relationship damage.
So if you are getting married but there’s something niggling at your conscience, the best thing of course is to address it. Probe at the thought and determine if this is something that will come between your relationship if not shared. If you find yourself losing sleep over it, make a time with your fiancé and include him in your worries. A problem shared really is a problem halved. If, on the other hand, you’re worried your fiancé might be hiding something important to you, make a quiet time to chat, and bring it up, all the while letting him know that he has your support. If the issue at hand is threatening to come between your relationship, don’t be afraid to seek outside help. Remember that things that might seem small when kept to you only become larger and larger when they are not addressed.
This article will have hopefully helped define normal secrets and lies versus ones that need to be talked about openly with your fiancé. Keep in mind that secrets are only shameful when kept to yourself and serious lies can be harmful to your relationship and come between you and your partner. Most importantly, remember that if a relationship is based on complete trust, you should feel supported and nurtured and comfortable enough to be able to share anything and everything with your partner. In sickness and in health and in good times and bad.